2005-06-23--4:41 p.m.
New relationships.. New life..

23rd of June already and time has really just flown by. I�m not quite sure why I don�t write in here as often anymore. I believe to a degree I�m done with it all, because I�ve grown up so much and learned a whole lot more in the process of writing all of my past entries.
The part of me that needed this diary (journal) because I was trying to define what and who I was in this world. And why I did the things I did in my past. But that�s all come to a close and I�ve figured out the purpose. I�ve never in my life been so happy, I�ve never felt so calm & at peace. Am I done growing or searching? No, not by a long shot but I will say that my belief in God has given me a new outlook on my life and the life of those around me. I�ve gotten back to my roots and that�s having a relationship with God. I frankly don�t care what others think of me from this point on because to each his or her own.
I�m human and yes I will screw up .. I�ll never be perfect nor will I ever strive to be perfect. But I will strive to be the best person I can be according the word of God. My sadness has long left me, my need for a sense of purpose doesn�t exist anymore, my need to fill myself up with stupid stuff doesn�t satisfy anymore. It�s all empty and at the end of the day you may think you feel fulfilled and whole but believe me it�s not real. Those feelings of emptiness will always return triple fold. I can�t force anyone to believe in anything that they aren�t ready to believe in. But I sure won�t deny my faith in God simply to make those around me feel comfortable.
I would hope those �friends� of mine who�ve claimed to be my �friends� support my decisions to change my life. And if they can�t then they weren�t my friends to begin with and it�ll show itself in the future. I�ll begin to see who�s really my friend and who�s not. But I�ll be fine either way. If some of those �friends� end up not being my friends then I won�t die because I�ll know there was never and honest & real connection there. Will I miss that person? Who knows.. Maybe but I know I�ve never been the kind of person who misses someone if I realize I don�t have a true connection with them. I don�t need fake friends .. I want real friends.. Friends who support you even though they may not see eye to eye with you. Friends who are just friends because that�s how it should be not people who are there to see what they can get out of you.
I�ve always been real & honest with people and I�ll keep being that way but I won�t sever my faith for anyone cause I�ll say this they aren�t worth it. I don�t live for the acceptance of others I never have and with an even greater conviction I�ll say I�ll never strive for the acceptance of others simply to pacify them in order to stay friends with them. Like it or not, tough !!
I have a great relationship with B things are just going smoothly. We�ve grown so close to each other and we love to spend time with one another. I love to make him laugh and I enjoy who we are as a couple and even more so as individuals.
I spend time in prayer, I read my bible and I attend church regularly and I�m not ashamed of it. I�m proud of the fact that I can be secure in who I am and secure in my faith. And I�m proud to say that God is good.
Yes, I still do things wrong because I�m not a perfect creature. I�m human .. I don�t have to do things wrong but I realize I will and I�m okay with that. But I won�t say I don�t believe in God because people are afraid to believe. But I won�t push God down anyone�s throat either. Everyone has a right to believe in what they want .. We have free wills. But don�t judge me because I�m not judging you!

-M *